I wouldn't want to be in the shoes of Ashley Giles right now. Just about everything that can go wrong with anyone seems to be going wrong for him. Personally, I've always thought that he's rather a rubbish bowler, and have always assumed that the English selectors' continued fondness for him was a situation that arose only out of necessity (I'm not very good with cricket stats, but exactly how many quality slow bowlers have England produced over the years? Thank God for Jim Laker-that question would have had precious few answers if not for him). Now, however, it seems plain that the only reason why he has been in the team for so long is that the English selectors have sawdust in their heads. They're barmy-it's as plain as that. If you're starting to think that I'm being a little excessive here, I'm sure you wouldn't even dream of thinking so if you heard what the English media had to say about the second Ashes Test, which, for the uninformed (I seem to use this phrase far too often, don't I?), ended in utter devastation for England.
I don't know when exactly people really started to rub their eyes in disbelief at the possibility of England losing the match, me being a very late sleeper (the match begins at 6 a.m., you know), but I suppose Kevin Pietersen's dismissal might have been the trigger. As England tumbled from one miserable moment to another, the wonderful media persons began unleashing their fury, and believe me, they're right effective when they get down to doing that. Giles, in particular, had the misfortune of being unanimously chosen as the whipping boy. After Geraint Jones and Giles were dismissed, one commentator spoke up, "Remind me please, what exactly are Jones and Giles in the team for?" Andrew Flintoff was repeatedly described as "being close to tears", and some commentators even confessed to being in tears themselves at the appalling show put up by their country's heroes. Giles's dropped catch of Ricky Ponting in the first innings, who went on to make a gritty 142, was brought into the spotlight again, and Steve Waugh's famous line to Herschelle Gibbs when he dropped Waugh in the 1999 World Cup semi-final was tweaked to read something like "Giles has dropped the Ashes". England's unbearably sluggish pace didn't find too many fans either, and Paul Collingwood, who I personally thought did his very best to lend some respectability to England's total, was handed plenty of razor-sharp comments for his slow batting. When the unfortunate Giles came on to bowl, one commentator piped up, "It is my duty, ladies and gentlemen, to tell you that Ashley Giles is not turning the ball." Another commentator came up with perhaps the most priceless of them all-"the statisticians tell me that Ashley Giles has improved his batting average in this match." Was this the most utterly savage piece of sarcasm ever heard? Ah well, this was just a wretched phase for the admirable Giles.
Former England players joined in the slaughter the next day, with Duncan Fletcher's selection methods coming in for the most scathing criticism. Ian Botham confessed to being very confused about Monty Panesar's situation, and I suppose he could be speaking for every single person on earth apart from Mr. Fletcher in saying that. Fletcher's remark earlier in the year which said something to the effect that Panesar was "the best finger spinner in the world" has only made the current situation all the more bewildering. However, England's selection tangles did not arouse the most spirited reactions as Australia romped home to a comfortable six-wicket victory. No - right then, the thing that distressed all Englishmen most was the horrific performance of Flintoff's team. And the commentators certainly employed very effective words to show their anguish-from mourning England's complete lack of fight to declaring that they would never watch cricket again. Amusing, amusing.
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