"I Want To Thank The Oscars For Their Whole-hearted Pointlessness...."

It's that time of the year again - the time for pretentious showmanship and then some more pretentious showmanship. Throw in plenty of intellectual snobbery too. And oh! a LOT of fashion-worship. Just what is it that makes the Oscars so very popular? Actually 'popular' may not exactly be the right word - 'hyped' may be a more appropriate expression. That's because no matter how much EVERYONE may bemoan the futility of the superficial, unfair and completely artless extravaganza that is the Academy Awards night, there's no going around the fact that this is the one night of the year that gets the most devoted attention of the media. And of course, the stars love it too - it's the most perfect opportunity for some heavy-duty PR boosting. So basically, everyone's interested in the Oscars - everyone except the common public.

The movies that win at the Oscars are often forgotten in all the problems of the glitz and the glamour. That's not to say, however, that the Oscar-winning movies don't deserve to be forgotten. I mean, how many of the winning movies of the past decade were actually watchable? Titanic, Gladiator, The Lord of the Rings and A Beautiful Mind are the only ones that come to mind. I couldn't even force myself to watch American Beauty, Shakespeare In Love or Million Dollar Baby. And I can't see why no Bollywood movie has ever won the Oscar if Chicago could take home the prize. I guess championing the cause of the insufferably boring is one of the liberties that the intellectual Oscar jury can take.

All said and done, however, there's no denying the instant recognition and, in some rare cases, handsome box-office returns that an Oscar award brings. So let's just take a look at the potential teary-eyed prospects this year. Martin Scorsese looks all set to finally taste Oscar glory after years of narrow misses and heartbreak. The Departed has emerged as a strong contender for the Best Picture award and is almost certain to win in the Best Director category. I wonder why though. Personally, I thought the movie had plenty of potential up to the half-way mark; but it simply fizzled out in the second half. Jack Nicholson's over-acting finally got on my nerves, and the interminable dragging towards the end really put me off. But I seriously doubt whether my disapproval is going to sway the jury, so Mr. Scorsese, I think it's finally time for you join the list of the privileged bores.

The Best Actor category is more tightly contested, though Forest Whitaker for The Last King Of Scotland is being talked up as the front-runner after bagging a rich haul at other, less important award ceremonies. Leonardo DiCaprio for Blood Diamond and Peter O'Toole for Venus stand a fair chance too. While we're on this category, I must say I can't really remember last year's winner. Was it Philip something? The Best Actress award seems to have been decided already; apparently, there's not a chance in a million that Helen Mirren won't win it for The Queen. Which means it'll be another disappointing finish for third-time nominee Kate Winslet, who I really thought deserved it in 2004 for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

My favorite category, however, threw up some pretty nasty shocks for me. I can't believe I haven't watched two of the three nominees for Best Animated Feature. Cars seems to be the likeliest winner here, though I absolutely must watch Happy Feet and Monster House. It'd be criminal for me not to.

I haven't watched Babel, but judging from the reactions of people who have seen it, it seems that it is one of those typical Oscar-nominated movies - wispy, snail-paced and heading nowhere in particular. So it's a good thing that it'll probably end up empty-handed. Dreamgirls will likely pick up the insignificant awards, but The Departed certainly looks set to be the big winner. So basically, things are in place for another year of undeserving winners. Big surprise.

Here's a fun thing to do if you manage to sit through the entire frustrating program. Count the time taken by each star for his or her thank-you speech, and then find out who the most pretentious star of Hollywood is (just for the record, that's the one who takes the longest time). And if you get bored of that too, then you can keep excited track of how many stars shed tears on receiving the award. Then compare the number with the one you get next year (or the number you got last year, if you were stupid enough to do it then). And if you're still bored, then switch off the TV. It'll help, trust me.